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I fancy my father thought me an odd child； and had little fondness for
me； though he was very careful in fulfilling what he regarded as a parent's
duties。 But he was already past the middle of life； and I was not his only
son。 My mother had been his second wife； and he was five…and…forty
when he married her。 He was a firm； unbending； intensely orderly man；
in root and stem a banker； but with a flourishing graft of the active
landholder； aspiring to county influence： one of those people who are
always like themselves from day to day； who are uninfluenced by the
weather； and neither know melancholy nor high spirits。 I held him in
great awe； and appeared more timid and sensitive in his presence than at
other times； a circumstance which； perhaps； helped to confirm him in the
intention to educate me on a different plan from the prescriptive one with
which he had plied in the case of my elder brother； already a tall youth
at Eton。 My brother was to be his representative and successor； he must
go to Eton and Oxford； for the sake of making connexions； of course：
my father was not a man to underrate the bearing of Latin satirists or
Greek dramatists on the attainment of an aristocratic position。 But；
intrinsically； he had slight esteem for 〃those dead but sceptred spirits〃；
having qualified himself for forming an independent opinion by reading
Potter's AEschylus； and dipping into Francis's Horace。 To this negative
view he added a positive one； derived from a recent connexion with
mining speculations； namely； that a scientific education was the really
useful training for a younger son。 Moreover； it was clear that a shy；
sensitive boy like me was not fit to encounter the rough experience of a
public school。 Mr。 Letherall had said so very decidedly。 Mr。 Letherall
was a large man in spectacles； who one day took my small head between
his large hands； and pressed it here and there in an exploratory； auspicious
mannerthen placed each of his great thumbs on my temples； and pushed
me a little way from him； and stared at me with glittering spectacles。 The
contemplation appeared to displease him； for he frowned sternly； and said
to my father； drawing his thumbs across my eyebrows …
〃The deficiency is there； sirthere； and here；〃 he added； touching the
upper sides of my head； 〃here is the excess。 That must be brought out； sir；
and this must be laid to sleep。〃
I was in a state of tremor； partly at the vague idea that I was the object
of reprobation； partly in the agitation of my first hatred hatred of this big；
spectacled man； who pulled my head about as if he wanted to buy and
cheapen it。
I am not aware how much Mr。 Letherall had to do with the system
afterwards adopted towards me； but it was presently clear that private
tutors； natural history； science； and the modern languages； were the
appliances by which the defects of my organization were to be remedied。
I was very stupid about machines； so I was to be greatly occupied with
them； I had no memory for classification； so it was particularly necessary
that I should study systematic zoology and botany； I was hungry for
human deeds and humane motions； so I was to be plentifully crammed
with the mechanical powers； the elementary bodies； and the phenomena of
electricity and magnetism。 A better…constituted boy would certainly have
profited under my intelligent tutors； with their scientific apparatus； and
would； doubtless； have found the phenomena of electricity and magnetism
as fascinating as I was； every Thursday； assured they were。 As it was； I
could have paired off； for ignorance of whatever was taught me； with the
worst Latin scholar that was ever turned out of a classical academy。 I
read Plutarch； and Shakespeare； and Don Quixote by the sly； and supplied
myself in that way with wandering thoughts； while my tutor was assuring
me that 〃an improved man； as distinguished from an ignorant one； was a
man who knew the reason why water ran downhill。〃 I had no desire to
be this improved man； I was glad of the running water； I could watch it
and listen to it gurgling among the pebbles； and bathing the bright green
water…plants； by the hour together。 I did not want to know WHY it ran； I
had perfect confidence that there were good reasons for what was so very
beautiful。
There is no need to dwell on this part of my life。 I have said enough
to indicate that my nature was of the sensitive； unpractical order； and that
it grew up in an uncongenial medium； which could never foster it into
happy； healthy development。 When I was sixteen I was sent to Geneva to
plete my course of education； and the change was a very happy one to
me； for the first sight of the Alps； with the setting sun on them； as we
descended the Jura； seemed to me like an entrance into heaven； and the
three years of my life there were spent in a perpetual sense of exaltation；
as if from a draught of delicious wine； at the presence of Nature in all her
awful loveliness。 You will think； perhaps； that I must have been a poet；
from this early sensibility to Nature。 But my lot was not so happy as that。
A poet pours forth his song and BELIEVES in the listening ear and
answering soul； to which his song will be floated sooner or later。 But the
poet's sensibility without his voicethe poet's sensibility that finds no vent
but in silent tears on the sunny bank； when the noonday light sparkles on
the water； or in an inward shudder at the sound of harsh human tones； the
sight of a cold human eyethis dumb passion brings with it a fatal solitude
of soul in the society of one's fellow…men。 My least solitary moments
were those in which I pushed off in my boat； at evening； towards the
centre of the lake； it seemed to me that the sky； and the glowing mountain…
tops； and the wide blue water； surrounded me with a cherishing love such
as no human face had shed on me since my mother's love had vanished out
of my life。 I used to do as Jean Jacques didlie down in my boat and let
it glide where it would； while I looked up at the departing glow leaving
one mountain…top after the other； as if the prophet's chariot of fire were
passing over them on its way to the home of light。 Then； when the white