按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
cruel eyes； with green jewels and green leaves on her white ball…dress；
every hateful thought within her present to me 。 。 。 〃Madman； idiot！ why
don't you kill yourself； then？〃 It was a moment of hell。 I saw into her
pitiless soulsaw its barren worldliness； its scorching hateand felt it
clothe me round like an air I was obliged to breathe。 She came with her
candle and stood over me with a bitter smile of contempt； I saw the great
emerald brooch on her bosom； a studded serpent with diamond eyes。 I
shudderedI despised this woman with the barren soul and mean thoughts；
but I felt helpless before her； as if she clutched my bleeding heart； and
would clutch it till the last drop of life… blood ebbed away。 She was my
wife； and we hated each other。 Gradually the hearth； the dim library； the
candle…light disappearedseemed to melt away into a background of light；
the green serpent with the diamond eyes remaining a dark image on the
retina。 Then I had a sense of my eyelids quivering； and the living
daylight broke in upon me； I saw gardens； and heard voices； I was seated
on the steps of the Belvedere Terrace； and my friends were round me。
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision
made me ill for several days； and prolonged our stay at Vienna。 I
shuddered with horror as the scene recurred to me； and it recurred
constantly； with all its minutiae； as if they had been burnt into my memory；
and yet； such is the madness of the human heart under the influence of its
immediate desires； I felt a wild hell…braving joy that Bertha was to be mine；
for the fulfilment of my former prevision concerning her first appearance
before me； left me little hope that this last hideous glimpse of the future
was the mere diseased play of my own mind； and had no relation to
external realities。 One thing alone I looked towards as a possible means
of casting doubt on my terrible convictionthe discovery that my vision of
Prague had been falseand Prague was the next city on our route。
Meanwhile； I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
pletely under her sway as before。 What if I saw into the heart of
Bertha； the matured womanBertha； my wife？ Bertha； the GIRL； was a
fascinating secret to me still： I trembled under her touch； I felt the
witchery of her presence； I yearned to be assured of her love。 The fear of
poison is feeble against the sense of thirst。 Nay； I was just as jealous of my
brother as beforejust as much irritated by his small patronizing ways； for
my pride； my diseased sensibility； were there as they had always been； and
winced as inevitably under every offence as my eye winced from an
intruding mote。 The future； even when brought within the pass of
feeling by a vision that made me shudder； had still no more than the force
of an idea； pared with the force of present emotionof my love for
Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and sign a
bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at a distant day；
then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst after with an impulse not
the less savage because there is a dark shadow beside them for evermore。
There is no short cut； no patent tram…road； to wisdom： after all the
centuries of invention； the soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness
which must be still trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for
help； as it was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should bee
my brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my ignorance of
Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that would urge from her an
avowal of it。 I thought I should gain confidence even for this； if my
vision of Prague proved to have been veracious； and yet； the horror of that
certitude！ Behind the slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched
for； whose touch was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the
fuller form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren； selfish
soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a measured fact； urging
itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。 Are you unable to give me your
sympathyyou who react this？ Are you unable to imagine this double
consciousness at work within me； flowing on like two parallel streams
which never mingle their waters and blend into a mon hue？ Yet you
must have known something of the presentiments that spring from an
insight at war with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas before
the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had passed into
memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in vain； while my
hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous vision
which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even along with it I
could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when I looked on my
brother's face for the last time； some softening influence would have been
shed over my feeling towards him： pride and hatred would surely have
been subdued into pity； and the record of those hidden sins would have
been shortened。 But this is one of the vain thoughts with which we men
flatter ourselves。 We try to believe that the egoism within us would have
easily been melted； and that it was only the narrowness of our knowledge
which hemmed in our generosity； our awe； our human piety； and hindered
them from submerging our hard indifference to the sensations and
emotions of our fellows。 Our tenderness and self…renunciation seem
strong when our egoism has had its daywhen； after our mean striving for
a triumph that is to be another's loss； the triumph es suddenly； and we
shudder at it； because it is held out by the chill hand of death。
Our arrival in Prague happened at night； and I was glad of this； for it
seemed like a deferring of a terribly decisive moment； to be in the city for
hours without seeing it。 As we were not to remain long in Prague； but to
go on speedily to Dresden； it was proposed that we should drive out