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hurt him again； I hadn’t meant to strike。 I was only trying to escape。
I didn’t hear my own sobbing； loud as it was； until I could go no farther into the crowded hole and the
sound of my thrashing stopped。 When I did hear myself； heard the ragged； tearing gasps of agony； I was
mortified。
So mortified； so humiliated。 I was horrified at myself； at the violence I’d allowed to flow through my
body； whether consciously or not； but that was not why I was sobbing。 I was sobbing because it had
been a test； and； stupid； stupid； stupid； emotional creature that I was； I wanted it to be real。
Melanie was writhing in agony inside me； and it was hard to make sense of the double pain。 I felt as
though I was dying because it was not real； she felt as though she was dying because； to her； it had felt
real enough。 In all that she’d lost since the end of her world； so long ago； she’d never before felt
betrayed。 When her father had brought the Seekers after his children； she’d known it was nothim。 There
was no betrayal； only grief。 Her father was dead。 But Jared was alive and himself。
No one’s betrayed you； stupid；I railed at her。 I wanted her pain to stop。 It was too much； the extra
burden of her agony。 Mine was enough。
How could he？ How？she ranted； ignoring me。
One word snapped us back from the edge of hysteria。
From the mouth of the hole； Jared’s low； rough voice—broken and strangely childlike—asked； “Mel？”
CHAPTER 30
Abbreviated
Mel？” he asked again； the hope he didn’t want to feel coloring his tone。
My breath caught in another sob； an aftershock。
“You know that was for you； Mel。 Youknow that。 Not for h—it。 You know I wasn’t kissing it。”
My next sob was louder； a moan。 Why couldn’t I shut up？ I tried holding my breath。
“If you’re in there； Mel…” He paused。
Melanie hated the “if。” A sob burst up through my lungs； and I gasped for air。
“I love you；” Jared said。 “Even if you’re not there； if you can’t hear me。 I love you。”
I held my breath again； biting my lip until it bled。 The physical pain didn’t distract me as much as I
wished it would。
It was silent outside the hole； and then silent inside； too； as I turned blue。 I listened intently； concentrating
only on what I could hear。 I wouldn’t think。 There was no sound。
I was twisted into the most impossible position。 My head was the lowest point； the right side of my face
pressed against the rough rock floor。 My shoulders were slanted around a crumpled box edge； the right
higher than the left。 My hips angled the opposite way； with my left calf pressed to the ceiling。 Fighting
with the boxes had left bruises—I could feel them forming。 I knew I would have to find some way to
explain to Ian and Jamie that I had done this to myself； but how？ What should I say？ How could I tell
them that Jared had kissed me as a test； like giving a lab rat a jolt of electricity to observe its reaction？
And how long was I supposed to hold this position？ I didn’t want to make any noise； but it felt like my
spine was going to snap in a minute。 The pain got more difficult to bear every second。 I wouldn’t be able
to bear it in silence for long。 Already； a whimper was rising in my throat。
Melanie had nothing to say to me。 She was quietly working through her own relief and fury。 Jared had
spoken to her； finally recognized her existence。 He had told her he loved her。 But he had kissed me。 She
was trying to convince herself that there was no reason to be wounded by this； trying to believe all the
solid reasons why this wasn’t what it felt like。 Trying； but not yet succeeding。 I could hear all this； but it
was directed internally。 She wasn’t speaking to me—in the juvenile； petty sense of the phrase。 I was
getting the cold shoulder。
I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her。 Not like the beginning； when I feared her and wished for her
eradication from my mind。 No； I felt my own sense of betrayal now。 How could she be angry withme for
what had happened？ How did that make sense？ How was it my fault that I’d fallen in love because of the
Tears； much weaker than the others； flowed down my cheeks in silence。 Her hostility toward me
simmered in my mind。
Abruptly； the pain in my bruised； twisted back was too much。 The straw on the camel。
“Ung；” I grunted； pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward。
I didn’t care about the noise anymore； I just wanted out。 I swore to myself that I would never cross the
threshold of this wretched pit again—death first。 Literally。
It was harder to worm out than it had been to dive in。 I wiggled and squirmed around until I felt like I
was making things worse； bending myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel。 I started to cry again； like
a child； afraid that I would never get free。
Melanie sighed。Hook your foot around the edge of the mouth and pull yourself out； she suggested。
I ignored her； struggling to work my torso around a particularly pointy corner。 It jabbed me just under
the ribs。
Don’t be petty；she grumbled。
That’s rich； ing from you。
I know。She hesitated； then caved。Okay； sorry。 I am。 Look； I’m human。 It’s hard to be fair
sometimes。 Wedon’t always feel the right thing； do the right thing。 The resentment was still there；
but she was trying to forgive and forget that I’d just made out with her true love—that’s the way she
thought of it； at least。
I hooked my foot around the edge and yanked。 My knee hit the floor； and I used that leverage to lift my
ribs off the point。 It was easier then to get my other foot out and yank again。 Finally； my hands found the
floor and I shoved my way through； a breech birth； falling onto the dark green mat。 I lay there for a
moment； facedown； breathing。 I was sure at this point that Jared was long gone； but I didn’t make certain
of that right away。 I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to lift my head。
I was alone。 I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the sorrow this fact engendered。 It was better to be
alone。 Less humiliating。
I curled up on the mat； pressing my face against the musty fabric。 I wasn’t sleepy； but I was tired。 The
crushing weight of Jared’s rejection was so heavy it exhausted me。 I closed my eyes and tried to think
about things that wouldn’t make my stinging eyes tear again。 Anything but the appalled look on Jared’s
face when he’d broken away from me…
What was Jamie doing now？ Did he know I was here； or was he looking for me？ Ian would be asleep
for a long time； he’d looked so exhausted。 Would Kyle wake soon？ Would he e in search？ Where
was Jeb？ I hadn’t seen him all day。 Was Doc really drinking himself unconscious？ That seemed so unlike
him…
I woke slowly； roused by my growling stomach。 I lay quietly for a few minutes； trying to orient myself。
My stomach wouldn’t be ignored for long； though； and I rolled up onto my knees。 I must have slept for a
while to be this hungry—missed a meal or two。
I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole—after all； I’d already damaged pretty
much