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“No； no；” I answered hastily。 “I’ll just take a smaller one。”
He turned back to the selection of potato chips。
No； you will not；Melanie assured me。I’ve carried heavier loads than this。 You’ve let us get all soft；
Wanderer； she added in irritation。
Sorry；I responded absently； bemused by the fact that she had used my name for the first time。
Lift with your legs。
I struggled with the flat of water； wondering how far I could possibly be expected to carry it。 I managed
to get it to the front register； at least。 With great relief； I edged its weight onto the counter。 I put the bag
on top of the water； and then added a box of granola bars； a roll of doughnuts； and a bag of chips from
the closest display。
Water is way more important than food in the desert； and we can only carry so much —
I’m hungry；I interrupted。And these are light。
It’s your back； I guess；she said grudgingly； and then she ordered；Get a map。
I placed the one she wanted； a topographical map of the county； on the counter with the rest。 It was no
more than a prop in her charade。
The cashier； a white…haired man with a ready smile； scanned the bar codes。
“Doing some hiking？” he asked pleasantly。
“The mountain is very beautiful。”
“The trailhead is just up that —” he said； starting to gesture。
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。
“Head down before it gets dark； sweetie。 You don’t want to get lost。”
“I will。”
Melanie was thinking sulfurous thoughts about the kind old man。
He was being nice。 He’s sincerely concerned about my welfare；I reminded her。
You’re all very creepy；she told me acidly。Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to talk to strangers？
I felt a deep tug of guilt as I answered。There areno strangers among my kind。
I can’t get used to not paying for things；she said； changing the subject。What’s the point of scanning
them？
Inventory； of course。 Is he supposed to remember everything we took when he needs to order
more？ Besides； what’s the point of money when everyone is perfectly honest？I paused； feeling the
guilt again so strongly that it was an actual pain。Everyone but me； of course。
Melanie shied away from my feelings； worried by the depth of them； worried that I might change my
mind。 Instead she focused on her raging desire to be away from here； to be moving toward her objective。
Her anxiety leaked through to me； and I walked faster。
I carried the stack to the car and set it on the ground beside the passenger door。
“Let me help you with that。”
I jerked up to see the other man from the store； a plastic bag in his hand； standing beside me。
“Ah… thank you；” I finally managed； my pulse thudding behind my ears。
We waited； Melanie tensed as if to run； while he lifted our acquisitions into the car。
There’s nothing to fear。 He’s being kind； too。
She continued to watch him distrustfully。
“Thank you；” I said again as he shut the door。
“My pleasure。”
He walked off to his own vehicle without a backward glance at us。 I climbed into my seat and grabbed
the bag of potato chips。
Look at the map；she said。Wait till he’s out of sight。
No one is watching us；I promised her。 But； with a sigh； I unfolded the map and ate with one hand。 It
was probably a good idea to have some sense of where we were headed。
Look around；she manded。If we can’t see it here； we’ll try the south side of the peak。
See what？
She placed the memorized image before me： a ragged zigzagging line； four tight switchbacks； the fifth
point strangely blunt； like it was broken。 Now I saw it as I should； a jagged range of four pointed
mountain peaks with the broken…looking fifth…
I scanned the skyline； east to west across the northern horizon。 It was so easy it felt false； as though I’d
made the image up onlyafter seeing the mountain silhouette that created the northeast line of the horizon。
That’s it；Melanie almost sang in her excitement。Let’s go！ She wanted me to be out of the car； on my
feet； moving。
I shook my head； bending over the map again。 The mountain ridge was so far in the distance I couldn’t
guess at the miles between us and it。 There was no way I was walking out of this parking lot and into the
empty desert unless I had no other option。
Let’s be rational；I suggested； tracing my finger along a thin ribbon on the map； an unnamed road that
connected to the freeway a few miles east and then continued in the general direction of the range。
Sure；she agreed placently。The faster the better。
We found the unpaved road easily。 It was just a pale scar of flat dirt through the sparse shrubbery；
barely wide enough for one vehicle。 I had a feeling that the road would be overgrown with lack of use in
a different region—some place with more vital vegetation； unlike the desert plants that needed decades to
recover from such a violation。 There was a rusted chain stretched across the entrance； screwed into a
wooden post on one end； looped loosely around another post at the other。 I moved quickly； pulling the
chain free and piling it at the base of the first post； hurrying back to my running car； hoping no one would
pass and stop to offer me help。 The highway stayed clear as I drove onto the dirt and then rushed back
to refasten the chain。
We both relaxed when the pavement disappeared behind us。 I was glad that there was apparently no
one left I would have to lie to； whether with words or silence。 Alone； I felt less of a renegade。
Melanie was perfectly at home here in the middle of nothing。 She knew the names of all the spiny plants
around us。 She hummed their names to herself； greeting them like old friends。
Creosote； ocotillo； cholla； prickly pear； mesquite…
Away from the highway； the trappings of civilization； the desert seemed to take on a new life for
Melanie。 Though she appreciated the speed of the jolting car—our vehicle didn’t have the ground
clearance necessary for this off…road trip； as the shocks reminded me with every pit in the dirt—she
itched to be on her feet； loping through the safety of the baking desert。
We would probably have to walk； and all too soon for my taste； but when that time came； I doubted it
would satisfy her。 I could feel the real desire beneath the surface。 Freedom。 To move her body to the
familiar rhythm of her long stride with only her will for guidance。 For a moment； I allowed myself to see
the prison that was life without a body。 To be carried inside but unable to influence the shape around you。
I shuddered and refocused on the rough road； trying to stave off the mingled pity and horror。 No other
host had made me feel such guilt for what I was。 Of course； none of the others had stuck around to
plain about the situation。
The sun was close to the tips of the western hills when we had our first disagreement。 The long shadows
created strange patterns across the road； making it hard to avoid the rocks and craters。
There it is！Melanie crowed as we caught sight of another formation farther east： a smooth wave of rock；
interrupted by a sudden spur that swung a thin； lo