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I have a good mind not to take Aloysius to Venice。 I don't want him to meet a lot of horrid Italian bears and pick up bad habits。
Love or what you will。
S。
I knew his letters of old； I had had them at Ravenna； I should not have been disappointed； but that day as I tore the stiff sheet across and let it fall into the basket； and gazed resentfully across the grimy gardens and irregular backs of Bayswater； at the jumble of soil…pipes and fire…escapes and protuberant little conservatories； I saw； in my mind's eye； the pale face of Anthony Blanche； peering through the straggling leaves as it had peered through the candle flames at Thame； and heard； above the murmur of traffic； his clear tones。。。'You mustn't blame Sebastian if at times he seems a little insipid。。。When I hear him talk I am reminded of that in some ways nauseating picture of 〃Bubbles〃。'
For days after that I thought I hated Sebastian； then one Sunday afternoon a telegram came from him； which dispelled that shadow； adding a new and darker one of its own。
My father was out and returned to find me in a condition of feverish anxiety。 He stood in the hall with his panama hat still on his head and beamed at me。
'You'll never guess how I have spent the day； I have been to the Zoo。 It was most agreeable； the animals seem to enjoy the sunshine so much。'
'Father； I've got to leave at once。'
'Yes？'
'A； great friend of mine … he's had a terrible accident。 I must go to him at once。 Hayter's packing for me； now。 There's a train in half an hour。'
I showed him the telegram； which read simply： 'Gravely injured e at once Sebastian。'
'Well；' said my father。 'I'm sorry you are upset。 Reading this message I should not say that the accident was as serious as you seem to think … otherwise it would hardly be signed by the victim himself。 Still； of course； he may well be fully conscious but blind or paralysed with a broken back。 Why exactly is your presence so necessary？ You have no medical knowledge。 You are not in holy orders。 Do you hope for a legacy？'
'I told you； he is a great friend。'
'Well； Orme…Herrick is a great friend of mine； but I should not go tearing off to his deathbed on a warm Sunday afternoon。 I should doubt whether Lady Orme…Herrick would wele me。 However； I see you have no such doubts。 I shall miss you； my dear boy； but do not hurry back on my account。'
Paddington Station on that August Sunday evening； with the sun streaming through the obscure panes of its roof； the bookstalls shut； and the few passengers strolling unhurried beside their porters； would have soothed a mind less agitated than mine。 The train was nearly empty。 I had my suitcase put in the corner of a third…class carriage and took a seat in the dining…car。 'First dinner after Reading； sir； about seven o'clock。 Can I get you anything now？' I ordered gin and vermouth； it was brought to me as we pulled out of the station。 The knives and forks set up their regular jingle； the bright landscape rolled past the windows。 But I had no mind for these smooth things； instead； fear worked like yeast in my thoughts； and the fermentation brought to the surface； in great gobs of scum； the images of disaster； a loaded gun held carelessly at a stile； a horse rearing and rolling over； a shaded pool with a submerged； stake； an elm bough falling suddenly on a still morning； a car at a blind corner； all the catalogue of threats to civilized life rose and haunted me； I even pictured a homicidal maniac mouthing in the shadows； swinging a length of lead pipe。 The cornfields and heavy woodland sped past； deep in the golden evening； and the throb of the wheels repeated monotonously in my ears。 'You've e too late。 You've e too late。 He's dead。 He's dead。 He's dead。'
I dined and changed trains to the local line； and in twilight came to Melstead Carbury； which was my destination。
'Brideshead； sir？ Yes； Lady Julia's in the yard。'
She was sitting at the wheel of an open car。 I recognized her at once； I could not have failed to do so。
'You're Mr Ryder？ Jump in。' Her voice was Sebastian's and his her； way of speaking。
'How is he？'
'Sebastian？ Oh； he's fine。 Have you had dinner？ Well； I expect it was beastly。 There's some more at home。 Sebastian and I are alone； so we thought we'd wait for you。'
'What's happened to him？'
'Didn't he say？ I expect he thought you wouldn't e if you knew。 He's cracked a bone in his ankle so small that it hasn't a name。 But they X…rayed it yesterday； and told him to keep it up for a month。 It's a great bore to him； putting out all his plans； he's been making the most enormous fuss。。。Everyone else has gone。 He tried to make me stay back with him。 Well； I expect you know how maddeningly pathetic he can be。 I almost gave in； and then I said： 〃Surely there must be someone you can get hold of；〃 and he said everybody was away or busy and； anyway； no one else would do。 But at last he agreed to try you； and I promised I'd stay if you failed him； so you can imagine how popular you are with me。 I must say it's noble of you to e all this way at a moment's notice。' But as she said it； I heard； or thought I heard； a tiny note of contempt in her voice that I should be so readily available。
'How did he do it？'
'Believe it or not； playing croquet。 He lost his temper and tripped over a hoop。 Not a very honourable scar。'
She so much resembled Sebastian that； sitting beside her in the gathering dusk； I was confused by the double illusion of familiarity and strangeness。 Thus； looking through strong lenses； one may watch a man approaching from afar； study every detail of his face and clothes； believe one has only to put out a hand to touch him marvel that he does not hear one and look up as one moves； and then； seeing him with the naked eye； suddenly remember that one is to him a distant speck； doubtfully human。 I knew her and she did not know me。 Her dark hair was scarcely longer than Sebastian's； and it blew back from her forehead as his did； her eyes on the darkling road were his； but larger； her painted mouth was less friendly to the world。 She wore a bangle of charms on her wrist and in her ears little gold rings。 Her light coat revealed an inch or two of flowered silk； skirts were short in those days； and her legs； stretched forward to the controls of the car； were spindly； as was also the fashion。 Because her sex was the palpable difference between the familiar and the strange it seemed to fill the space between us； so that I felt her to be especially female； as I had felt of no woman before。
'I'm terrified of driving at this time of the evening；' she said。 'There doesn't seem anyone left at home who can drive a car。 Sebastian and I are practically camping out here。 I hope you haven't e expecting a pompous party。' She leaned forward to the locker for a box of cigarettes。
'No thanks。'
'Light one for me； will you？'
It was； the first time in my life that anyone had asked this of me； and as I took the cigarette from my lips and put it in hers； I caught a thin bat's squeak of sexuality； inaudible to any but me。
'Thanks。 You've been here before。 Nanny reported it。 We both thought it ver