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A blow； expected； repeated； falling on a bruise； with no smart or shock of surprise； only a dull and sickening pain and the doubt whether another like it could be borne … that was how it felt； sitting opposite Sebastian at dinner that night； seeing his clouded eye and groping movements； hearing his thickened voice breaking in； ineptly； after long brutish silences。 When at length Lady Marchmain and Julia and the servants left us； Brideshead said： 'You'd best go to bed； Sebastian。'
'Have some port first。'
'Yes； have some port if you want it。 But don't e into the drawing…room。'
'Too bloody drunk；' said Sebastian nodding heavily。 'Like olden times。 Gentlemen always too drunk join ladies in olden times。'
（'And；yet； you know； it wasn't；' said Mr Samgrass； trying to be chatty with me about it afterwards； 'it wasn't at all like olden times。 I wonder where the difference lies。 The lack of good humour？ The lack of panionship？ You know I think he must have been drinking by himself today。 Where did he get the money？'）
Sebastian's gone up；' said Brideshead when we reached the drawing…room。
'Yes？ Shall I read？'
Julia and Rex played bezique； the tortoise； teased by the pekinese； withdrew into his shell； Lady Marchmain read The Diaiy of a Nobody aloud until； quite early； she said it was time for bed。
'Can't I stay up and play a little longer； mummy ？ Just three games？'
'Very well； darling。 e in and see me before you go to bed。 I shan't be asleep。'
It was plain to Mr Samgrass and me that Julia and Rex wanted to be left alone； so we went； too； it was not plain to； Brideshead； who settled down to read The Times； which he had not yet seen that day。 Then； going to our side of the house； Mr Samgrass said： 'It wasn't at all like olden times。'
Next morning I said to Sebastian： 'Tell me honestly； do you want me to stay on here？'
'No； Charles； I don't believe I do。'
'I'm no help？'
'No help。'
So I went to make my excuses to his mother。
'There's something I must ask you； Charles。 Did you give Sebastian money yesterday？'
'Yes。'
'Knowing how he was likely to spend it？'
'Yes。'
'I don't understand it；' she said。 'I simply don't understand how anyone can be so callously wicked。'
She paused； but I do not think she expected any answer； there was nothing I could say unless I were to start all over again on that familiar； endless argument。
'I'm not going to reproach you；' she said。 'God knows it's not for me to reproach anyone。 Any failure in my children is my failure。 But I don't understand it。 I don't understand how you can have been so nice in so many ways； and then do something so wantonly cruel。 I don't understand how we all liked you so much。 Did you hate us all the time？ I don't understand how we deserved it。'
I was unmoved； there was no part of me remotely touched by her distress。 It was as I had often imagined being expelled from school。 I almost expected to hear her say： 'I have already written to inform your unhappy father。' But as I drove away and turned back in the car to take what promised to be my last view of the house； I felt that I was leaving part of myself behind； and that wherever I went afterwards I should feel the lack of it； and search for it hopelessly； as ghosts are said to do； frequenting the spots where they buried material treasures without which they cannot pay their way to the nether world。
'I shall never go back；' I said to myself。
A door had shut； the low door in the wall I had sought and found in Oxford； open it now and I should find no enchanted garden。
I had e to the surface； into the light of mon day and the fresh sea…air； after long captivity in the sunless coral palaces and waving forests of the ocean bed。
I had left behind me … what？ Youth？ Adolescence？ Romance？ The conjuring stuff of these things； 'the Young Magician's pendium'； that neat cabinet where the ebony wand had its place beside the delusive billiard balls； the penny that folded double； and the feather flowers that could be drawn into a hollow candle。
'I have left behind illusion；' I said to myself。 'Henceforth I live in a world of three dimensions … with the aid of my five senses。'
I have since learned that there is no such world； but then； as the car turned out of sight of the house； I thought it took no finding； but lay all about me at the end of the avenue。
Thus I returned to Paris； and to the friends I had found there and the habits I had formed。 I thought I should hear no more of Brideshead； but life has few separations as sharp as that。 It was not three weeks before I received a letter in Cordelia's Frenchified convent hand：
'Darling Charles；' she said。 'I was so very miserable when you went。 You might have e and said good…bye！
'I heard all about your disgrace； and I am writing to say that I am in disgrace； too。 I sneaked Wilcox's keys and got whisky for Sebastian and got caught。 He did seem to want it so。 And there was （and is） an awful row。
'Mr Samgrass has gone （good！）； and I think he is a bit in disgrace； too； but I don't know why。
'Mr Mottram is very popular with Julia （bad！） and is taking Sebastian away （bad！ bad！） to a German doctor。
'Julia's tortoise disappeared。 We think it buried itseif； as they do； so there goes a packet （expression of Mr Mottram's）。
'I am very well。
'With love from
Cordelia。'
It must have been about a week after receiving this letter that I returned to my rooms one afternoon to find Rex waiting for me。
It was about four； for the light began to fail early in the studio at that time of year。 I could see by the expression on the concierge's face； when she told me I had a visitor waiting； that there was something impressive upstairs； she had a vivid gift of expressing differences of age or attraction； this was the expression which meant someone of the first consequence； and Rex indeed seemed to justify it； as I found him in his big travelling coat； filling the window that looked over the river。
'Well；' I said。 'Well。'
'I came this morning。 They told me where you usually lunched but I couldn't see you there。 Have you got him？'
I did not need to ask whom。 'So he's given you the slip； too？' 'We got here last night and were going on to Zurich today。 I left him at the Lotti after dinner； as he said he was tired； and went round to the Travellers' for a game。'
I noticed how； even with me； he was making excuses； as though rehearsing his story for retelling elsewhere。 'As he said he was tired' was good。 I could not well imagine Rex letting a half…tipsy boy interfere with his cards。
'So you came back and found him gone？'
'Not at all。 I wish I had。 I found him sitting up for me。 I had a run of luck at the Travellers' and cleaned up a packet。 Sebastian pinched the lot while I was asleep。 All he left me was two first…class tickets to Zurich stuck in the edge of the looking…glass。 I had nearly three hundred quid； blast him！'
'And now he may be almost anywhere。'
'Anywhere。 You're not hiding him by any chance？'
'No。 My dealings with that family are over。'
'I think mine are just beginning；' said Re